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Thursday, August 23, 2007

Life as a young mother and wife is tough, especially being so far away from your friends. Things change when you're not there and when you go for a visit, you feel so out of the loop. You almost lose your mind.

I WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

A phrase I seem to be telling myself more and more each day. Now, I knew going into this that it was going to be hard. I upkeep a house and take care of a 3 month old. I had this coming with the choices I made and I'm not afraid to face the consequences. This is MY responsibility. I'm old enough to deal with that.

The "wife" part of the deal isn't too terribly hard. It consists of trying to keep my husband happy, keeping up with our finances, making sure we have food in the house, and making sure things are satisfactory. I keep up with medical records and a whole lot more than normal 18-year-olds would WISH to have on their plate. My husband is easy to please. Give him a pack of cigarettes, the remote, and a steak. No big deal. When it comes down to it, my biggest fear from this part is the money. I hate money. I hate how people let it dictate their lives. I hate how people judge others on their income. We do NOT have much of an income by any means, but we have learned QUICKLY how to stretch a dollar. No more brand name things for us. We are generic shoppers. It's hard to break my husband of the brand name shopping. He's stuck in his ways. I, on the other hand, know that extra money means more money to spend on our daughter. Our daughter should be, and is our main priority. Knowing that the amount of food we're allowed to eat and what things we can and cannot buy is resting on my shoulders just kills me. This is so much to worry about. No longer is it just gas, cigarettes, movies, etc. It's now about another human life who is completely dependant on us.

Now, the hard part. The "mom" part. Stay-at-home mom, no less. I get the reputation to just sit on my ass all day and watch TV. This is WRONG. I'm busy all day. My daughter is now old enough to play and she wants to more and more each day. She's learning so much and I'm glad to be a part of it. She now rolls over and is interested in more things than the human face. She enjoys watching TV. She loves the color changes. She enjoys toys. She loves laying down while the toys dangle in her face as she reaches for them. She enjoys to babble. She holds conversations with me in her own language. What if I mess up? I've got this little life in my hands and in one flick of the wrist it can all come crashing down. I have a thought in my mind on what kind of mother I want to be and right now, I wish I could be better.

*sigh*
I guess that is all for now.

You Wish You Were Me
2:30 AM